Begining a New Day

The hardest part of my day is getting out of bed.  Once I'm up and getting dressed, I can rely on routine to get me through the rest of the day.  I might not be very productive, but it's more than if I stayed in bed all week.  I enjoy my job to some degree, but my motivation is defective. What reason is there for continued existance on this path?  Why postpone death when it is inevitable? So I lay there and struggle against the weight of the world.  Any particular thing is not enough by itself, but the crass consumerism or mindless breeding seem to be the only viable options while waiting for the end.

A New Beginning

I am part of the top global 1%.  I have lived a unique life that has taken me to dozens of nations.  I have an education that lets me make a difference in the world.  But all of this isn’t enough.  How can someone with power or running water be happier than our pampered lives?  Eking out an hard existence is more rewarding?  How is this possible?

The difference comes down to a simple truth: when we have a purpose external to ourselves it’s easier to stay the course.  Whether that purpose be God, children, or a lover, it doesn’t matter so long as there is a foundation of giving to build your life around.

My first recollection of uncontrollable sadness came when I was 12.  We had lived in Nova Scotia for 2.5 years and we were moving again.  All I knew was I would lose everyone in my life again.  Even worse, my older siblings would not be moving with us.  After that, I stopped connecting with people.  I’d nod and agree and make some friends, but always in the back of my mind was the thought that nothing lasts.

My life since then has been very fragmented with two or three years in one country at a time.  This has put a damper on my love life as I only look for a real commitment.  I thought I’d found it once and proposed, but she cheated on me and I didn’t communicate well enough, so we went our separate ways with my heart in tatters.

I’ve been hospitalized 3-4 times in the last two years with depression and suicidal tendencies.  Each time was different, but the underlying feeling was just to escape and be done with life.  What I’ve learnt is that we must make wellness in our lives rather than focusing on the negligence of our illness.  We cannot change the pass, and we cannot predict the future, we only have this moment to make a difference for better or worse.

A Depressing Start

Have you ever been depressed? I mean really depressed where you struggle to get out of bed and food loses its appeal.  If you have, you know the depths of despair that can be your reality.  If you haven’t, there is no way to express that mountain of burden. 

How do you relate to struggling to get out of bed.  When showering is a superficial nicety that eats away at your energy reserves.  When eating is a chore even when it’s what your favourite used to be.  Only a slim ray of hope sustaining you from the ultimate action.

We all are going to die, it’s just a matter how and when and what we do until then.  I have lived with depression and suicidal idealization from 12 to 30.  This is my journal of that ongoing trip in hopes that my despair can help even one other soul.